Chapter 1

PROLOGUEWho would only know what kind of mu'ka it is to wait for the arrival of a loved one, especially when you are bursting with impatience to tell the news that has been turning me inside out for three days already.We didn't plan. No. Our relationship is only a few months old, and I don’t know if he is ready, but Yegor wanted to introduce me to his parents and offered to live together. Why not a serious step? Mom and dad got married two weeks after they met and have been living in perfect harmony for more than twenty years, so all these strength tests multiplied by years are complete nonsense. Yegor is the one with whom I am ready for anything, if only to be near, and it seems to me that my position will not frighten him. Moreover, he himself deliberately ignored condoms several times.The doorbell rings just at the moment when I was just released to rinse from the smell of baked fish.God…I never thought it would be so terrible. My friend Ksyusha is also pregnant, but she is due to give birth in a few days. This is the third time she has voluntarily taken this step, because her husband is crazy and wants a daughter to gnashing his teeth. I really don’t understand how you can go on about a man in such matters. I have only a month, and I'm ready to climb the wall. Adjusting my tail, which has slid on its side, in front of the mirror, I pinch my cheeks a little to give them a healthy look and bite my whitened lips. The first thing I see when I open the door is a bouquet of pink peonies. On my first date, he gave me roses, and I foolishly blurted out that it was banal, and now, he gives me anything except roses, although I would be glad even a cactus in a pot.“What a huge one,” I gasp, burrowing into the tender buds.“Everything for you,” Yegor smiles and takes off his shoes. He has overgrown and not styled his hair, which is why they stick out in different directions, causing me some kind of childish delight. In jeans and a t-shirt. So homey, dear. Simplicity suits him, much more than gelled hair and a business suit. While he hides in the bathroom, I put the bouquet in a vase and get busy in the kitchen. I completely lost my brains with this toxicosis that I forgot about dinner. We often dined either in a cafe or a restaurant, but I'm not sure I can sit even five minutes in the pool of millions of smells.“Dash…” I hear Yegor’s quiet voice behind me and instantly look around, noticing that he is standing in the aisle leaning against the wall. “Don’t fuss, I won’t.— You're not hungry? - I look at him in amazement, and at the very mountain from my shoulders. The last thing I want is for Yegor to see me throwing up in the toilet.Let's go to the living room, we have a conversation.Putting the plates on the table, I tuck the loose curls behind my ears and follow, not even having a clue what is waiting for me soon. As soon as I settle down next to Egor on the couch, he takes my palms in his, stroking them, and looks so piercingly and at the same time gently that his chest is incredibly yapping.- Dash...-Mmm? — I can’t deny myself a smile, because it’s impossible to look at him differently. Tumanov is always like that, but now it affects my feelings in a special way. Perhaps the surprise that I want to give him is so influencing, or his charm.-I have something to tell you.Me to you too, an inner voice enthusiastically notices, continuing to turn my brains into jelly.“Well, say so,” I whisper, feeling the warmth of strong hands. Probably, if I hadn’t been so intoxicated with the eyes of the color of the sky, I would have noticed how Yegor hesitantly squeezes out words and became alert.But if, yes, if...“You see, Dash… you are so wonderful.“And you are wonderful. Stretching, I wrap my arms around his sinewy neck and cover his lips with mine, because this is what I want so badly. Right now. -Mmm“Wait, Dash,” Yegor tries to dodge, but I manage to bite his lower lip, slightly pulling it down and theatrically roll my eyes without opening my hands.-What about Dash? I missed. You were gone for a month.Egor ignores my mischief. Silently, he disengages the grip and with one stroke, he sits him back on the sofa.I purse my lips in resentment, fold my arms across my chest and defiantly turn away.“I should have told you everything a long time ago,” he sighs. - In general ... In two weeks. Ahem... well, I'm getting married in two weeks.Twitching my head in surprise, I stare at Tumanov's whitened face with horror and disbelief in my eyes, and then I start laughing. Loudly so, with anguish, as if I had never heard a dumber joke.-Is this a prank? I say through the echoes of laughter. If yes, please don't do it.This is not a joke, Dash. Our parents decided everything for us a long time ago, but I never took my father's words seriously. You know, a family merger to expand the business.No, I don't know, because I don't have rich parents and because I don't understand how you can even marry someone for money.- It turns out you will have a fictitious marriage?Egor shrugs.— And what about us? I ask quietly and turn away in principle so as not to see in his eyes what is causing my heart to crumble into millions of pieces. Let him lie better. After all, words can both heal and cripple, but the eyes do not know how to lie. They are in the palm of your hand. Mine are exactly that.“We would be a great couple, freckle,” he grins, and I wait with bated breath. Just what, I don't know.Declarations of love? Remorse?Hello, Chernova, come back home to earth, what the fuck can love be? He is going to marry, you naive fool, stop dreaming and building castles in the air out of illusions! An inner voice screams with anguish, in an attempt to call to reason, which I deliberately ignore.“And I felt very good with you. So good, like no one else was. Yegor exhales. “But before I met you, I had a different life. Before you, you understand?“I understand,” I mumble into the void, although I don’t understand a damn thing. We were so good together, he himself says, what can be “buts” in our relationship?Do you remember I once told you that with friends we went to rest in a country house?— Well, I remember, what does Yegor's house have to do with it, I don't understand?And despite the fact that I then got very drunk. Very strong, and in the morning I woke up with Milana. It was a mistake, but I was free, so I don't care.— Why are you telling me this? - I look at him evilly, pursing my lips - And what does your past and some kind of Milan have to do with it? It's about us, and you're still talking about some riddles.“Because Milana is my fiancee. And on this trip, I found out that she was pregnant. Pregnant from me.From his words, unpleasant bitterness forms on the tongue, and there is complete confusion in my head, that the necessary thoughts do not immediately visit my mind, and when the picture lines up in the right puzzle, a real gap occurs in my chest. Egor says something else, touches me, presses me to him, strokes my head, but I don’t resist, because there’s stupidly no strength.Child.!Child!Child!He will have a child ... It's so bitter and funny at the same time, because only with me could a similar situation happen. To fly from a guy who will soon become a doubly father, and also marries - up idiocy. But I'll think about that later, but for now...“Let go,” I wheeze, and Egor immediately disengages his palms. Rising to my feet, I straighten my tunic.“I didn’t mean for this to happen—hurriedly rises up behind in an attempt to touch, but I stubbornly recoil, not wanting to have tactile contact. No more.“Don’t touch me,” I shush at him, wrapping my arms around myself. Yegor looks tensely, but does as I ask. He doesn’t climb, but just waits for my hysteria, stuck across my throat, to break out. And it will be so, but later, when I am left alone with my feelings and a crushed heart, and now ... Now resentment is pouring out of me. On him. On myself for stupidity, naivety and for the situation as a whole, and I just don’t know what I’m doing, but I can’t stop.“I’m also pregnant,” I smile bitterly, and Yegor’s eyes automatically rest on my flat stomach.“Da-sha,” he whispers and again tries to get closer, but I do not allow it, holding out my palms in front of me.— Do not flatter yourself Tumanov, I had an abortion.I want to tear my hair out for my lies and for the fact that now a dark, unkind light is flashing in his eyes. I am not one of those people who will try to keep a man as a child, but also not proud to spite him to become a single mother. Just in these few minutes, I decided that I was not yet ready to embark on the path of dirty diapers and sleepless nights. So why put before a choice when I have already made my own.In half a step, Yegor is next to me and grabbing my shoulders, squeezing me with anger.-Why did you do that? - Growls so that the nodules tremble, but I don’t understand where the unhealthy desire to anger comes from.I smirk, raising my left eyebrow up and keep my eyes on unshaven cheeks, which I just want to touch, a slightly large nose, and return to my eyes, where there is so much implied that it is impossible to understand whether he wants to kill me or take pity on me."You'd better say thank you for saving you the agony of choice." I spit out every word caustically, reminding him that he will soon have a replenishment and he has not lost anything, unlike me.- Did I ask you? You decided for both of us even when you didn’t know that I was getting married and that I would soon ...cut off- That you will soon have a son or daughter - swallowing, I continue. His breathing is heavy, as if he ran two kilometers without stopping, and I think I can hear the beating of his heart. I don’t know how much time passes in this silent conversation, but in the end, Yegor is the first to give up and hugs me so tightly, as if he is trying to say or prove something. My hands don't move, and my nose is pressed against the softness of the T-shirt, which smells of mint and citrus, and also them. I like its smell, but it seems this is the last time I can take such liberties.“What a fool you are,” he wheezes into my hair.“And you will soon become a father,” I mutter inaudibly and feel a light kiss on the top of my head.“Yes,” he smiles bitterly, and tears well up in my eyes.Well... I couldn't resist...“I thought we could do something. I even intended...-Do not say! - I cut it off abruptly, because otherwise I won’t be able to let go, but I need to .. And this is not a gesture of a good Samaritan, just a few months spent in bed and a couple of forays into the world, does not mean love to the grave. Maybe we will run away after a while, and there is hope for the family. Although fictitious, but such marriages are the strongest. So let's just keep it that way. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, but time, as they say, will put everything in its place.Twenty minutes later, Yegor leaves. I saw that it was hard for him, that he was rushing around like a blind kitten and was waiting for me to ask you to stay. And he would have stayed. I don't know for sure, but for some reason I think so or I just want to believe it. After another hour, I manage to suppress my hysteria and, having washed myself, I dial the number of the antenatal clinic, where the best gynecologist in the city and part-time my friend works.— Women's consultation, how can I help? The girl answers in a bored voice.— Hello, can I please make an appointment with Inge Viktorovna Kolesnikova?-Number?— The closest.- There are on the eighth - at 12:30 and at 10:10.Let's go to 10:10.-Purpose of the visit?Biting my lip, I sigh.-Abortion.